32: Freedom

Miss you guys, Manda and S ):

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Right under my feet there's air made of bricks
Pulls me down turns me weak for you
I find myself repeating like a broken tune
And I'm forever excusing your intentions
And I give in to my pretendings
Which forgive you each time
Without me knowing
They melt my heart to stone

And I hear your words that I made up
You say my name like there could be an us
I best tidy up my head I'm the only one in love
I'm the only one in love

Each and every time I turn around to leave
I feel my heart begin to burst and bleed
So desperately I try to link it with my head
But instead I fall back to my knees
As you tear your way right through me
I forgive you once again
Without me knowing
You've burnt my heart to stone

Why do you steal my hand
Whenever I'm standing my own ground
You build me up, then leave me dead

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Anyway, I'm really quite pissed off with myself (lately especially) so much so I'm going to be super pro-active and immerse myself in every single interesting activity I manage to find.
I am going to channel all this "positive" energy into doing something productive and something that will take my mind off certain things.
I don't know why I let it get to me so much. It's like this insecurity is crawling back under my skin and is haunting me all over again. Actually, come to think of it, it has got nothing much to do with insecurity but mainly paranoia.

I think too much into things sometimes and I know it gets frustrating. I worry too much and let things get to me way too easily that sometimes I lose track of my thoughts and I spend the day sulking and wallowing in self-pity.
It's pathetic and the feeling's quite indescribable. I hate being under scrutiny and I hate it when people judge.

I don't need this. I don't deserve this. I want to be void of these insignificant things that seem to perpetually ride on my back. It's draining.
Which is why tomorrow I'm going to run another 2.4km and hopefully not die during Tuesday's training.
I swear I'm at my weakest point right now, physically. As for cross-country on Wednesday... What can I say? I'm just gonna take a light stroll.
TRUST ME. I'm hardly like this.
Only recently. Why? Whatever for? I don't deserve this.

I'M NOT GONNA CAREEEE ANYMOREEEEEEEEEEE~

I really just want you to get to know me.
On a personal level.
So you will know that it's not that easy.

OH CRAP THIS WAS SUPPOSE TO BE A HAPPY POST!! ): Okay I think I'll be gone for a week, good bye!